I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
