So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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