i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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