your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
