how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
