420 ftw
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
