Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
