I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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