On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
