Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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