Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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