There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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