It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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