Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Help. Why am I so naked?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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