a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
