I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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