I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I think a kid would responsible me up
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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