I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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