How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
