You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
