I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
