Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
