U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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