omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Randomize
