A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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