This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
