I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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