Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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