I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
