Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
