i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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