I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
