How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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