True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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