dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
