I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
