I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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