i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
