I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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