So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
