If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
