We're facebook friends in real life
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
