4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
