you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My bed smells like the plague
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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