Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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