I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
