I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
