Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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