i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
