Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
