I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Randomize
