Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize