"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
