you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
