I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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