I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I wish I only lived at night.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
