Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
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