everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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