Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
