I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
