The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
