Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
